... a high pain, low spoon kind of day. It's one of the days where I don't want to even move. A day where moving takes more out of me than it's worth. My back is in pain, my left shoulder is in pain, my right hand is in pain... I had a list of things to do today. Things that are not going to get done. So what will get done today? I'm reading an e book I checked out from my local library via OverDrive , which I am reading on my phone, and making pizza for dinner. I got dressed (kind of) just because it is cold in Alaska when you aren't in a nice warm blanket but I'm not bothering to do my hair today. I'll have to use an extra spoon tomorrow to get the extra knots out but it saves me a spoon today that will be used to read (swipe on my phone) more pages of my e book. The pizza will be one home made crust for the adults and Bobali crusts for the kids to make their own pizzas (saving spoons right there while making the kids very happy; win/win).
[insert stressed vent and whinge here]
Helping D with his leg takes some of my spoons every day but there is no way around that. The fact that I've been trying to get a job for the last close to 5 weeks without success is weighing on me too.I filed after three weeks for unemployment... They are still deciding whether I am under a penalty for "voluntary quitting' a job. I had a student worker position and graduated from my degree program.As a non student I could not hold a student worker position so I do not see how this is not understandable, how it needs checked into, or how I can be penalized for leaving the position... I am basically being punished for obtaining my degree. My bills are behind and I am stressed out which is making everything worse because of this unemployment debacle.
With issues like this I understand why so many people that are unemployed are depressed which is supposedly a reason to not hire someone. I worked my ass off to get my degrees. I got them with several honors designations. Yet I cannot find a job and I cannot get help to pay my bills until I do. I know that the VA will work with me and Wells Fargo if it comes down to a foreclosure issue but that doesn't make me feel better about it. What happens if I cannot pay my electric and our heat gets turned off? What happens if the gas gets turned off and we can't cook anymore? What about our phones... how would I get called in for interviews for a job? Our internet... how would I find and apply for jobs? It is worrying, it is stressful, and it is depressing. My pain level makes it more depressing. I go back and forth between wondering why I even try to do anything, why I even continue to exist and wondering if putting myself in more debt to do a graduate degree program would be a solution. It would get me pell grants and student loans, maybe a scholarship. So financially we would be doing better... but taking out all of the loans will bite me later. Since one of the jobs already said I was overqualified as a reason not to hire me, the higher degree could do more harm than good. If I did a JD program, I would have better chances but then I would need to take the LSAT with costs hundreds of dollars too... I just feel like right now I can't win and I'm running out of options.
I have considered starting a YouTube channel but I'd need to look decent when filming so a bra, doing my hair and maybe even makeup... That will take several spoons all on its own. I did have ideas though: planner use, college tips, social commentary, book review... I guess time will tell.
Thanks for reading. I hope I'll be feeling more positive soon. I don't want this blog to be all negativity. I just needed to get some of that out of my head-space, ya know?
