Fitness and Accountability

So I've been doing this challenge with a friend:


When I did a challenge before, I lost interest but so far I've made it through the first 7 days and kept up with it. MVD posts every day and tags me in it and I reply when I've finished the day's challenge.

I don't let my bad days stop me either... On days that my joints were too poorly, I postpone and do that day's the next morning and the correct day's that evening. Yeah it doubles the amount I have to do but I space it apart and so far it has worked out.

Because of this accountability being there and making a difference with me keeping up with is, I made a Facebook community to keep accountability here as well. So far so good... I've posted a few times since. :) If you found this place from somewhere other than the FB community, you can find me there by the name Constant Spoon Borrower. It doesn't have the best search topics linked, I don't think, but the limit of topics they have or nothing frustrated me after a while.

A note on "people in your 'age group'..."

Just because people in my age group do or don't do whatever thing should not have baring on what medical professionals say to me or what they are willing to do for me. Because of past experiences, it takes a lot for me to go to a doctor. When I do, I am there to find out what the problem is and fix it. I am not there to be cool. I am not there to get drugs. I am not there to treat one symptom and ignore the rest because 'the medication for that will make the other problem not be a problem'.

Seriously. It took me years to get a simple pair of glasses for my astigmatism because the optometrist kept saying how people my age never wear their glasses so she only wanted to give me reading glasses. For people that don't know reading glasses aren't made the same as regular glasses. This means the didn't work nearly as well as they should. Also because of the type of work I do, I read a lot so the reading glasses were on my face most of the day... so why not have the correct Rx,am I right?

I talked about the experience I had with the audiologist last post...

This other incident may just be because it is the VA... or I may just have terrible luck with trying to find a decent doctor.After many visits to get tests done to try to figure out why I was having troubles breathing (though I did tell her every other symptom I was experiencing to try to get myself straightened out...) to include an asthma test even though I told her it wasn't asthma and didn't even produce the same type of breathing problem as asthma. I got an answer of ' we don't know what was causing that problem, none of the tests found the answer but in you x-ray to check for pneumonia, we discovered you have a fractured disc, a curve in your spine, and degenerative disc disease' and when I asked about the knee pain I had been having for years (I was willing at that point to believe the other joint pains were vitamin d deficiency and would improve) was told 'the pain medication for your spine will take the pain away from your knee too so we won't examine that'.

I didn't go to be filled with pills and avoid finding the cause of the problem. I went to find out what was wrong and, if possible, to fix it. Ah well. Apparently I am a clone of people 'my age' and can't think for myself and want to fix problems to improve my life... nope, I must be doing it to be cool.

But ya know, when I finally got a correct pair of glasses and could see I was so happy I almost cried.I just need to be strong and persistent. Forget stereotypes, be you and help you because for the most part, no one else is going to.

Feelings of loss

So I know I'm terrible at posting on a regular basis but I've been trying mostly to stay positive with this but sometimes you just have to get things out that aren't. And I just need to be real for a bit. One of those things for me that I fight with constantly is feelings of loss.

My hearing has gone down from when I was in high school. This could be because of the excess fluid build up my ears perpetually have (and have had for as long as I can remember), all of the severe ear infections I had when I was younger, shooting various weapons when I was in the military, RA, the quite infrequent raves/concerts I used to go to... I dunno, a combination there of.

Whatever the case, it is a fact of life for me. It is very frustrating to not be able to hear my kids talking because it's a pitch I can't hear anymore. That is really frustrating but it isn't something that feels like a loss in my life because I can communicate with them whether they talk louder or write stuff down.

What feels like a loss is that I love music. I love to sing, I always have... but... I can't read notes. I have always instead relied on learning the music by hearing it. As of my last hearing test (with a doctor I refuse to see again... more on that later) I was exactly on the line of bare minimal acceptable for 4 decibels in one ear and one in the other. I had been hyper-focusing to even get that much... It is hard to learn music and harder to hear if I am singing it right. It is infuriating and sad to me. I don't sing in front of people anymore, ever, because I don't even know if I sound like I can find a note to carry let alone if I can carry said note. At this point I am so self-conscious about it that I don't even do games like rock band anymore.

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About that doctor... So this was probably 2 or 3 years ago now but it still feels as insulting as it did that very day. I went in to the place talked over the initial paperwork and did the screening. He had answered questions about how exactly hearing aids would work with glasses since with my astigmatism, my optometrist has as of yet not found a rx for contacts that wasn't still epic levels of blurry. We discussed my being a veteran and the poor quality of hearing protection the Army provides. It seemed to be going fine.

And then the time came for results. He went over them, said I was on the line not below it so I did not qualify for hearing aids, which is fine because I knew where I was at with my hearing abilities. It was immediately after that that it went down hill. I was basically told that I need to stop blasting music in my ears and causing my own hearing to diminish because hearing aids aren't something to get to be cool and only help my ears to hear rather than fixing the damage.

Can you imagine that? I had talked to him about my military background, my ear infections, and my excess liquid in my ears and rather than just saying my hearing isn't at a point that hearing aids would be helpful, I get told that I am damaging my ears on purpose to "look cool" by getting hearing aids.  was stunned. And the funny part is that the ear that had worse hearing is the one I never put earbuds in/ headphones on.

Because that office was the only one my insurance covered, I just didn't go back. I know I probably should go and see about a new evaluation but it's been a tarnished experience for me. I have considered another place since my insurance changed. The new place is an ear, nose, and throat place so they can actually evaluate the shape of the ear, check for swelling, blockage, etc rather than just the amount I can hear... I just don't want to go through that again. A younger more fragile me would have thought that maybe the guy was right and I was just making shit up but this me that lives with pain and hearing loss daily says that guy can shove his unprofessional opinion up his a$$.

Don't let people bully you. Even if they are "professionals".

Stolen Spoons and finally some spoons to spare

Sometimes I have worries. Worries that I can't even voice. Sometimes I can't voice them because other people will blow them off and other times I can't voice them because some people would use them as an excuse to harass rather than reassuring. I know this from experience.

Worries like this wear on me and steal my spoons. I know this happens but I haven't found a way to deal with it otherwise. As a lifetime bottler, I know that it isn't good for me or anyone else and have even said so to a dear friend recently.

This leaves me with the dilemma of being blown off, seen as someone blowing things out of proportion, seen as trying to get attention, etc.... Or, talking to someone that with take my worries to other people and just keep bringing it up over and over.

I can feel unimportant or like I opened Pandora's box on my family...

And so I keep it to myself. Then worry steals my spoons. I think it is the best option for me but it isn't a great one. I borrow enough spoons without the ones I borrow being stolen from me.

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That being said, I took time off of work and haven't done as much so I have more spoons lately... well for the next day and a half anyway.

That's all for this post guys. Have a great Thursday.